Chapter 8: restless sleeper
I’m waiting for something. And the waiting is difficult. Because there’s a desire… but there’s no knowing. And so much has grown to appear vacant and ambiguous; I only hunger. “What is it, Lord?” I so long to live, work and do something I want to do! Something I am truly impassioned with–delightful and so free. I want what’s for me! And I don’t even know what it is. I find myself jealous of college graduates and high schoolers going off for their majors. They’ve found something, or at least spotted something that intrigues and draws them. And all that once inspired me seems sleeping.
I don’t know what to do during the sleeping. Because I don’t know who I am and what I’ll be when I wake and when I’ll ever wake! I’m stuck waiting for a dream to happen. And I don’t even know what that dream is… but I know it has to do with me and a purpose. But I guess dreams happen in sleep now, don’t they…
Perhaps I have just grown so accustomed to daydreaming that I haven’t discovered how to truly do the latter. Daydreams were under my mental control whereas dreaming in sleep is proposed to me.
So I guess the challenge is getting comfortable with sleep… and letting You do the proposals.
You are writing again! And you are waiting.
As He becomes more fully “your purpose” the road will open up and you’ll see that you’ve been headed toward your passion all along. None of this is wasted time…the waiting. He is always at work. He “is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us.” You will one day encourage another young woman who is living in that place of “I don’t know” because you have lived it too. And you will have a wonderful testimony of God’s faithfulness.
I love you, my beautiful daughter.