The escape of a quiet coffee shop: comfort in the picture window-side seat, the slow of the busy, the ability to be and enjoy the luxury of sitting… and supping smooth coffee.
I ponder; I wonder; I question: what’s to be, what will become my life and pursuit? I’m going to be a mother. I’m going to be really tired for a long time. But I want to live to the fullest. I want no excuse to stifle passion. I don’t want the gifts and vocations He’s set before me to remain idle. How will it be? How will it come about? Every time it’s unexpected. Every time the new springs us without any resemblance to what I anticipated. With that I desire the fullest grace to receive and be fully within that, knowing life to the full. Jesus said He came to give life to the full. And I won’t settle for less.
I, in no way, mean to define what that is or write the prescription for it’s achievement. Though I tend to do this, causing myself to believe that the “fullness” will come about by this way or the other. But one thing I’ve discovered quite simply is the chronic condition of discontentment and its knack to linger and follow a person despite the change of circumstance and landscape. I knew this were the case before I even lived it out. I understood the reality that no matter where I go or what new thing comes about I still take myself along for the ride. And there lies my issue. Or issues.
I ache for fullness, sweetness, and enjoyment. I know it’s a state of heart and its attainment doesn’t come with a new place, new thing, new vocation. But so many times I hope it will. And yet I believe these things do count as instruments in bringing about the desired. But perhaps I bank on them far too much. Yes. Yes I do.
For whatever reason I remain restless and wanting. I don’t think this is an altogether bad situation to find oneself in. Is it not better to strive and look towards more rather than find complacency in a life that will forever lack? The world is fallen. We are fallen beings. We are not intended for what this body and world has to now offer. A certain discontent is healthy, then, and quite natural. And then it comes down to what I hope in.
I want to find it all in God. I know that’s where it hides. “For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God” (Colossians 3:3.) I want every bit I can get. So I guess I’ll desire still; ponder; wonder; hope.
the work in progress 