sitting thoughts

The escape of a quiet coffee shop: comfort in the picture window-side seat, the slow of the busy, the ability to be and enjoy the luxury of sitting… and supping smooth coffee.

I ponder; I wonder; I question: what’s to be, what will become my life and pursuit? I’m going to be a mother. I’m going to be really tired for a long time. But I want to live to the fullest. I want no excuse to stifle passion. I don’t want the gifts and vocations He’s set before me to remain idle. How will it be? How will it come about? Every time it’s unexpected. Every time the new springs us without any resemblance to what I anticipated. With that I desire the fullest grace to receive and be fully within that, knowing life to the full. Jesus said He came to give life to the full. And I won’t settle for less.

I, in no way, mean to define what that is or write the prescription for it’s achievement. Though I tend to do this, causing myself to believe that the “fullness” will come about by this way or the other. But one thing I’ve discovered quite simply is the chronic condition of discontentment and its knack to linger and follow a person despite the change of circumstance and landscape. I knew this were the case before I even lived it out. I understood the reality that no matter where I go or what new thing comes about I still take myself along for the ride. And there lies my issue. Or issues.

I ache for fullness, sweetness, and enjoyment. I know it’s a state of heart and its attainment doesn’t come with a new place, new thing, new vocation. But so many times I hope it will. And yet I believe these things do count as instruments in bringing about the desired. But perhaps I bank on them far too much. Yes. Yes I do.

For whatever reason I remain restless and wanting. I don’t think this is an altogether bad situation to find oneself in. Is it not better to strive and look towards more rather than find complacency in a life that will forever lack? The world is fallen. We are fallen beings. We are not intended for what this body and world has to now offer. A certain discontent is healthy, then, and quite natural. And then it comes down to what I hope in.

I want to find it all in God. I know that’s where it hides. “For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God” (Colossians 3:3.) I want every bit I can get. So I guess I’ll desire still; ponder; wonder; hope.

chapter 7: inspired blurb

Inspired Blurb

Why must I be so inclined?!

The compelling to write at such wee hours was never an issue. Until I got employed. I have to work at 11am tomorrow. Yet my thoughts and the inspirational tides are ebbing at my responsible resolution to bag it and sleep. I like to leap at these moments when they come, which has seemed far less frequent, these days. So here I am. Tippity-tap.

The snow isn’t stopping, work is tiring, and this whole new world leaves me on the outskirts looking in at foreign entities. I don’t know when I’ll finally own this reality that could righty be referred to as… “my life”. I tend to word it as “not registering”, because I have felt quite so very out of sorts. The days pass and I pass over them as though excluded from their events. I find myself isolated on the other end of some span to which I’m unsure of its beginning. And I realize how much there is to deal with.

It’s partial burden mixed with true excitement and anticipation. I’m getting married, for goodness sake. Yet there’s a battle towards that walk down the aisle that wages on each day. I’m challenged to live “here” and not spend my hope and place my trust in an idealistic tomorrow. I need to experience God’s presence for today. And, more than anything, I need to embrace this call.

It’s taken some time to realize that “engagement”, in itself, is a call, that working at Target is a call, that being exactly where I am physically, spiritually, and emotionally is, in fact, a call. God has me here with all his sovereign will. And I realize how deeply I wrestle with it. The things once seen from afar are now taking motion, and I find myself… well… “overwhelmed” isn’t exactly the right word, but there seems to be a different sort of identity crisis.

More than ever I see my need for stability in Him: who I am in Him, who He is. Period. All these events have functioned to establish this need and make it pursuit. I forget that the chaos I see is not only foreseen by God but has already been formed for the specific and ordered goodness of His will. I forget that He loves me, when everything boils down. I don’t trust Him, I quake and falter, and I forget that, even so, He remains faithful while I am faithless. Sigh*…… amen.

And what a beautiful mystery to anticipate marriage. Danny and I continue to grow through thick and thin. There’s been much of both even for the past couple weeks or so of our engagement. God blesses us with new depths of honesty with each other… and Him. We learn more of ourselves and are continually challenged to “look to the Lord and His strength; seek His face always” (Psalm 105:4). I suppose the constant breakdown in our lives merely throws us deeper into the swells of His grace. I’m still in process of realizing how much I soak and bathe in it everyday outside of dealing with my most obvious concerns. He is so much bigger. Amen again.

So the point of this? Well… I’m not entirely sure. But I was just so inclined. So I followed.

I look down on my finger and see a ring that sparkles and shines: a memorial to God’s faithful provision and a promise of unfailing love for this journey ahead. We are tossed by doubts and fears, but He will prove Himself mighty and strong in battle. I open up the ancient gates, my heart, to let this King of glory come in (see Psalm 24:7-8).  I wish to let die the old Monica, the one of worry, frustration, and fear, and to live in the newness that is found in Him.

Amen and amen.